They say that time heals all wounds, but I don’t think that’s quite true. Sometimes it just gives us enough perspective to allow us to live with the old wounds. But some of them still hurt, even many years later…
Munchkin and I were talking while we changed her bedding before bedtime this evening. One of the blankets we put on her bed was one that Mom made for her. She asked me if it was the last blanket that Grammy had made for her. I thought for a minute and then told her that it may have been.
She was quiet for a few minutes before softly saying, “I can’t remember Grammy’s voice anymore.”
I could tell from her tone that she was bothered by that. We talked for a while about some of the things that she still does remember about Grammy. I told her that she would always have some memories, but she still seemed a bit worried that she would forget Grammy over time. So I told her about my Grandpa.
I was four when he died. The same age that Munchkin was when her Grammy died. I told her about some of the memories that I have of Grandpa and how that even though he’s been gone a long time, I still have some really special memories. Both of us were trying not to cry when she spoke again.
“I miss Grammy.”
The tears that I’d been holding back started to spill over just a bit when I hugged her and whispered, “You know what? I still miss my Grandpa too.”
We talked a bit more about how Grammy is in Heaven. I reminded her that was a good thing, and that now Grammy would never be sick again. I hugged her again and kissed her goodnight. I tucked her in and said a final round of “I love you” to all of the kids before heading downstairs to write.
I hate to cry, but I can’t seem to help it as I sit here in front of the computer screen. Part of it is because I still miss Grandpa and Mom so very much. I seem to miss them even more this time of the year. But that’s only part of it…
I look up at the ceiling and ask God why my little girl has to go through this. I’ve been there. I know how much it hurt 26 years ago, and I know how much it still hurts today. And to be honest… I wanted better for my daughter. None of this feels better. Yet even as I question why God would send this, I am reminded of a verse that the kids and I read together a couple of weeks ago:
“Also we know that all things work together for the best unto them that love God, even to them that are called of his purpose.” – Romans 8:28
That’s from the 1599 Geneva Bible. What struck me the most when we read that in this particular translation was that it was written that all things work together for the best, not just for good, but for the best. I say that I wanted better for my daughter, but God has sent this for her best.
I found the notes for this verse to be quite thought-provoking as well, “…we are not afflicted, either by chance or to our harm, but by God’s providence for our great profit….”
All is from God. All really is grace. And sometimes, that grace is hard. Sometimes it hurts. But should this really surprise me? The grace by which I am saved was brought about through incredible pain and suffering. Grace does not mean that all is sunshine and roses, but perhaps grace does mean that it really is all for the best, our best.