The following entry is from my journal. I pour out myself onto paper through my pen. If it is rambling, I apologize. If it makes little sense, please bear with me. I’ve written much about hope and grief this year. I want to give you an honest glimpse into my journey. It’s easy to write about hope, but so hard to hold on to it.
“Here I sit, LORD. Once again in the same place. Why do I return to this stronghold of darkness? Why do I allow this misery to consume me? Is it because this is familiar?
Oh God, this is not what I wanted! This is not what I planned! To be without her now, is too unfair. I didn’t want this, not now. Not so soon. The time we had was too short. So many questions that I never asked. The hole left in my life is eclipsed only by the one in my heart. Like a piece of me is missing.
Holy One, my strength is gone. I fell to my knees, unable even to stand. Here I lay, in my very own Slough of Despond. Cold and alone. Crying out to You, because I HAVE NOT THE STRENGTH.
Savior, my faith has been tested. I believe, truly I do. My mind knows the truth and holds fast to it. But my heart hurts. My black heart selfishly refuses to accept Your will.
Creator, break my heart. Shatter it if need be. ‘Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.’ Mold my heart. Make it true. Purify it by fire. Let it long for You.
Great Physician, break me that I may be healed.
Prince of Peace, rule my heart. Guide it. Let in find peace only in You.”