My mom is gone. I can still hardly believe that it’s true. I never would have guessed yesterday morning when we visited with her that it was for the last time. You always know in the back of your mind that you will likely outlive your parents, but it’s still a shock when it actually happens.
I’m not sorry for her though. I will miss her every day for the rest of my life, and I would never want to get to the point where I didn’t miss her. But I envy her in a way. She’s with her Savior. She is with the One she followed faithfully and loved with all of her heart. I take great comfort in that knowledge, but I still miss her.
I woke up this morning and looked out the kitchen window. The world went on like it was any other day. I couldn’t help thinking that it shouldn’t have. It isn’t any other day. This was the first day without Mom, how could the world just keep going on like nothing had happened? Reaching into my kitchen cupboard, I found a tin of the coffee Mom always liked. I don’t drink it, but I kept it for her whenever she was here for a visit. I took the tin off the shelf and just held it for a minute, and then I put it back. I don’t know how long it will stay there, but for now, I just want to leave Mom’s coffee in my kitchen.
I’m finding reminders of her everywhere. As much as I cry, it also comforts me to have reminders of her all around. I’ve saved the birthday candles from the cake we shared on her 54th birthday just last week. We only had eight candles, and we were joking that it was one candle for every decade. I remember laughing with her over that. Having her here for supper on her birthday was a spontaneous idea, but I’m really glad that it occurred to me. We had so much fun having dinner together and playing cards until late that night.
I started knitting a sweater for myself. I’m using the last yarn that Mom gave me for it. I’m also still knitting on a lace scarf that I’d started for her. It’s done in alpaca and silk because she was allergic to wool. I considered setting it aside unfinished, but perhaps finishing it will be good for me.
Explaining things to Munchkin has been hard. She misses Grammy, but I’m just not sure how much of it has really sunk in yet. I was her age when my Grandpa died. I think that will help me better know how to help her right now. She was as close to her Grammy as I was to my Grandpa. She will miss her terribly, but she will retain so many wonderful memories that will make her smile throughout the years. She told her dad last night when we got home that she needed a picture of Grammy to put on her dresser. I had to smile while I cried because for many years I had a picture of Grandpa on my dresser too.
Mr. Q will probably have some memory of her, but Camo won’t. Still, we will tell him about his Grammy and how very much she loved all of them. She will still be a wonderful example to them through our memories of her.
When my great-grandmother was dying, her last words were some that have always stuck with me through the years. “God never makes mistakes, and His timing is always perfect.” I think Mom would have said the same thing to me. She was so much like her grandmother in many ways. They were both godly women, women of faith. I don’t know anyone who met either of them, and did not love them.
I like to think that she is meeting the three children she never held here on Earth and holding them now. Then, I think she will find my two babies, Alex and Terry, and hold them too. Someday soon, I’ll see them all, and never, ever, have to say goodbye. I keep echoing the sentiments of John at the end of Revelation, come soon Lord Jesus, come soon.