Adapting

It was a parking space this time.

Some pretty strange things have reminded me of Mom, but this time it was the parking space at the grocery store. It’s the one with the big dip for the storm drain. Mom and I parked there once on a memorable trip to the grocery store. It was the grand re-opening after they had done a serious remodel. In celebration, they were opening VERY early and giving out flowers, groceries and re-useable grocery bags. They also had a lot of really good deals running as well. (I live in the sticks. A major sale at the grocery store is big news up here.) Mom and I both said that we were not going shopping that day because it would be way too busy.

The night before, I mentioned that I was toying with the idea of getting up early and going. Mom admitted that she’d thought the same thing. We laughed and made plans to be up before the sun and go grocery shopping. After getting up ridiculously early, we drove out to the store, and we were still there before sunrise! We got some fantastic deals and laughed at how crazy we were to be up that early just to go to a grand re-opening at the GROCERY STORE. It might have been rather silly, but we had such a good time. We parked in that parking space with the storm drain.

When I pulled into the grocery store and parked earlier today, I was reminded of that trip. Of how much we laughed, and made fun of ourselves for doing something that crazy. It’s a good memory, but it still makes me miss her.

Life has in some ways moved on. Things have changed, and my life is starting to settle into the new routines. I think that’s probably a good thing. Despite that, I still miss her terribly. Part of me wishes that my life wasn’t adapting to the change. Part of me wants so much to hold on to what was. But I can’t, can I? Things will never be the same again. No matter how much I miss her, she’s not coming back. So my life needs to adjust to that. It still scares me a bit though. Almost like I’m losing one more piece of her. I realize that’s not the case, but since when did my heart ever listen to my head?

So many people told me that it would hurt less as time went on. Perhaps someday it will. I’m finding that it’s not so much that it hurts less, but that I’m growing used to ache. It still hurts just as much, and I still miss her beyond belief, but I’m getting used to it. It’s getting just a little bit easier to live with.

I haven’t really written about Mom for a while on the blog. That’s one sign that things are changing, I guess. It’s not that I miss her any less, it’s just that I’m starting to be able to look past it. Life is starting to seep back in. And as scary as that is, it really is a good thing.

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